


I'm Selfish, I'm Obscene

by Shironeko_kohai



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Fluff, M/M, POV Second Person, Pining, the fuck is an apocalypse, this is legit just 1000 words of jon thinking about martin, this one's pretty gay ngl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22823080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shironeko_kohai/pseuds/Shironeko_kohai
Summary: You are a grown man with a career and a life, and that life has no room for him. He is incompetent, and too friendly, and overall a menace. He is a force of chaos disrupting the flow of your existence like no one you’ve ever met has. He walks into the room and everything you had planned for the day falls apart. He brings a dog into the archives. He brings you cups of tea without even asking. He is the most ridiculous person you have ever met.(You can’t look away. You also can’t stop scowling at him.)Jon is definitely not in love with his annoying coworker. The word isn't even in his vocabulary, for fuck's sake.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 19
Kudos: 159





	I'm Selfish, I'm Obscene

**Author's Note:**

> jon is so fucking repressed i hate him. anyway please take this i wrote it by coming down with a near fatal case of missing my boyfriend disease and listening to Genghis Khan on repeat for like five hours so i used this as an excuse not to wake him up just because i suffer from gay bitch disease
> 
> title from Genghis Khan for totally unrelated reasons of course

You are a grown man with a career and a life, and that life has no room for him. He is incompetent, and too friendly, and overall a menace. He is a force of chaos disrupting the flow of your existence like no one you’ve ever met has. He walks into the room and everything you had planned for the day falls apart. He brings a dog into the archives. He brings you cups of tea without even asking. He is the most ridiculous person you have ever met.

(You can’t look away. You also can’t stop scowling at him.)

* * *

You reevaluate your opinion of him eventually, of course. He is incompetent because he is underqualified. ‘Too friendly’ is subjective, and perhaps you have been a bit harsh. He is absolutely a menace. (He brought a  _ dog _ into the _ archives. _ ) He brings you a jar of Prentiss’s ashes without even asking. He is good in a crisis and easy to talk to and has a smile one might even call acceptable. 

(You can look away now. He’s the only one you don’t have to constantly watch.)

* * *

You wake up alone. You wake up alone, and you look for him, and you cannot find him. You look for him, and he doesn’t want to be found. You never thought his absence would hurt so badly, but you feel it like a missing rib. You don’t realize the irony of this until long after you find his tape recorders outside the Buried. He’s been hurt now, actually hurt, but he won’t let anyone close enough to him to help, and for the first time you begin to understand why Georgie was always mad at you. (You didn’t think you could ever be mad at him like this. This is the same man who brought a dog into the archives, after all.) He brings you an intervention without even showing up. He is doing something stupid and self-sacrificial and you can’t help but wish you were in his place to protect him from it. He is somehow simultaneously causing you the most pain and the most relief of anyone in your life.

(You can’t find him to look at for more than a minute at a time. You need him to be okay, even if you can’t see him. Even if you can’t See him.)

* * *

You find him in the Lonely, and he is. He is distant, even when he’s right in front of you, and he doesn’t stay for long. It feels exactly the same as it did outside, except that outside he didn’t tell you he loved you. Lukas couldn’t win when he tried to distance you from your feelings, and he won’t win in distancing Martin from his own. Then he’s gone again, and you’re alone. Lukas tries again, but you’re ready this time. You take his story. You take until he has nothing left to give. He doesn’t give you answers, but more importantly, he doesn’t give you Martin. Martin was never his to give. Martin was never yours to love, either, and you thought it couldn’t matter, but it had. Martin wanted to be everyone’s to love, but especially yours. He would have given himself to you without a second thought. You should have watched him when you had the chance. You want to be able to watch him again, and you hold on to that feeling, and then he’s in front of you again with the same distant eyes you started giving children you were hurt by in the schoolyard. Maybe he’s a child you hurt. Maybe you can’t fix it. Maybe you can’t fix it, but maybe fixing it isn’t the problem. No one ever fixed you, they only talked to you. They told you you were loved. So you talk to him. You talk to him, and he hears, but he doesn’t listen. He looks into your eyes, but he doesn’t see, and then you are on your knees with his face in your hands and you’re still talking but all you can process is  _ him _ , and that  _ thing _ he brought you to feel for him without even asking is radiating through your fingertips and then he’s yours again. 

(You only look away for a second before you realize he doesn’t want you to as he sobs into your shirt. You think maybe it’s time to stop reducing your love for him to a thing.)

* * *

He takes your hand and you take him home and you don’t let go for hours, and even when you fall asleep on the drive to Daisy’s safehouse, you wake up with your hand under his and you think safehouse may be an accurate name after all because you feel beautifully, irrationally safe. The more you think about it, the more you realize that you’ve always felt safe with him. You blink sleep away and look up at him and you hope he never lets go of your hand, but then he sees you and flinches away and then he  _ apologizes _ and starts telling you it was because he’s still a bit Lonely and he’s so sorry if he  _ made you uncomfortable, Jon _ and he’s always been a better liar than people expected but he can’t seem to commit to this one and you don’t want him to feel lonely  _ or  _ Lonely and you just want him not to look so tragic and then you’re kissing him and it’s like all the light stored up over the years from Agnes’s fire has made its way into your chest and your eyes are closed now, all of them, but you can still somehow tell you’ve wiped that look right off his face. You don’t even Know. You just know. You aren’t sure whether you grabbed his hand back before or after climbing on top of him, but you have it, and you aren’t going to let go this time. You still can’t believe you fell in love with a man who brought a dog into the archives. You tell him this, eventually, and his smile makes it clear he can’t believe it either. You have plenty of time to convince him.

(You don’t look away. You never have to look away again.)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] I'm Selfish, I'm Obscene](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23189260) by [Shiro Talks (Shironeko_kohai)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shironeko_kohai/pseuds/Shiro%20Talks)




End file.
